Live from a future BBC One

June 30, 2017

[begin transcript]

We come to you live from Balmedie, Scotland, where BBC One producers are about to make an announcement.

Trumball:  Hello, hello, thank you all for coming.  I’m Harold Trumball, the new director of BBC One under Theresa May, and we have a fabulous announcement for you today, just fabulous.  With me is Andrew Scotterpyne, the lead producer on the upcoming Doctor Who series.  Andy, it’s all yours, take it away.

Scotterpyne:  Thank you, Harry.  Good afternoon, all.  I’m pleased to announce that after an exhaustive search, we’ve found a wonderful new Doctor for 2018.  An actor who needs truly no introduction, but we’re so proud we got him that we’re giving him one anyway.  You know him from a wide variety of American cinemas, and although it’s the first time we’ve cast an American as the Doctor, he’s a genuinely tremendous pick, and we couldn’t be happier.

Trumball:  Absolutely!

Scotterpyne:  It’s hard to fill the shoes of such a great actor as Peter Capaldi, but we think we’ve managed to find someone even better, truly even better.  Ms. May herself personally wanted to interview him, he’s that good.

Trumball:  I jumped when I heard the name!

Scotterpyne:  Now I know that the Thirteenth Doctor has a bit of superstition around the number, but we think we’ve found someone far, far bigger than any of that nonsense you’ve seen debated in the press.  So without further ado, I present to you your Thirteenth Doctor, Donald J. Trump!

Audience murmurs and a few people are heard shouting

Trumball:  I say, I say, you couldn’t have found a better man for the job.  We didn’t know what to do — really, how could you top Capaldi? — but then the Americans went and impeached Mr. Trump.  Ms. May called me the very same day and demanded we jump at the chance to hire such a big celebrity.  Money was no object!

Scotterpyne:  Let me say that writing scripts for Mr. Trump will be a highlight of my career.  He’s so good that you can give him a blank page and he’ll manage to make an interesting show for three or four hours!  But I shouldn’t put words in his mouth; everyone, if you could please put your hands together, please offer a hearty round of applause for Donald J. Trump, your new Thirteenth Doctor!

Trump comes out from behind a curtain

Trump:  Thank you, thank you, thank you all, I’m honored.  I have to say that when these guys came to me and asked me to be the Doctor, I was like, eh, what’s a Doctor?  But then they explained it, and it’s a tremendous, tremendous role, and I’m honored to be chosen for it.  We’re gonna have a great series, a great series, it’s gonna be the best series ever.

Someone comes out, whispers something to Trump, and the Secret Service man standing beside him nods

Trump:  Anyway, I have to say, this is gonna be great.  Let me tell you about this series.  We got an all new Tradis —

Scotterpyne:  Tardis.

Trump:  — Tardis, and it’s fabulous, tremendous.  You should see it.  It’s the biggest, best, Tardis ever.  Yuger on the inside than any Tardis before, just yuge.  And classy.  None of that tacky plastic crap, or those white frickin’ round things.  We got all gold, mahogany, marble floors, completely classy from start to finish.  Jacuzzi room off the one side, shrimp lounge, a fully-stocked wine bar, we got Tony Danza to bartend, and he serves up a way, way better Screwdriver than that sonic piece of junk.  And dancing girls, none of those dumb levers and dials, just hot dancing chicks on gold poles.  You should see it.  It’s amazing.  We spared no expense.

Scotterpyne:  Tell them about the Daleks.

Trump:  Oh, yeah, we totally classed up those trash cans.  What, they got plungers and eggbeaters for hands?  Whose idea was that?  We got way better Daleks this time, way better.  Solid gold, and scary, like with chainsaws and hand grenades.  That’ll put your kids where you want them.  Cybermen too, those tin can robots are gone, we got Michael Bay to loan us some of those Transformers of his, and it’s gonna be awesome, just awesome.

Scotterpyne:  And don’t forget the companions!

Trump:  I was just gettin’ to that.  We got the best companions this time.  None of those actors you never heard of, no, bein’ all whiny and crap.  I got Lou Ferrigno for the one, and he’s just tremendous, just tremendous, a great guy, all around the best you could want, he’s gonna be just clobberin’ bad guys left and right.  And we got Sarah Palin playing the rootinest, tootinest sheriff in the old West, along for the ride to meet some aliens and kick some butt.  You haven’t ever seen a Doctor What like this.

Trumball:  Doctor Who.

Trump:  What?

Trumball:  Doesn’t matter, carry on.

Scotterpyne:  That’s about all we have time for.  Mr. Trump has to be off for a round of golf, but before he goes, does anyone have a question for him?  We have just time for one question.  Mr. Neely, is it?  From the Times?

Neely:  Yes.  Are — you people insane?

Scotterpyne:  Why, of course not.  Mr. Putin would have us committed if —

Trumball:  — uh, that’s all the time we have.  I’d like to thank you all for coming, have a delightful Brexit, and I’d like to remind you that whatever you may think of our decisions, however you may consider all this, it’s still far better than letting him start World War III.  Thank you, and good day.

[end transcript]